Don't Wish A Day Away.

Anxiety! That bastard A word. Who suffers from that overwhelming feeling? Where you feel your breath becoming shorter, you feel like leaving the house is the biggest task in the world and the thought of facing the general public.... oh mate. The absolutely overwhelming feeling of thinking you're the only person you know with this issue and that everyone else life is so great and normal. The games your mind plays with you, causing you too stress over things you can’t control and the ridiculous scenarios and questions you are constantly thinking about. It can be so bad sometimes that it is paralysing, and trying to explain how you feel to someone who just doesn't get it becomes even more infuriating. Everyone has a different story and different responses and emotions to certain situations; this is just mine.

That comment "You always look so happy" is five words I hear when I confide or explain to someone how I am feeling, which to be honest I always try to be as happy and positive as possible. I guess social media in this present day plays such a major part of our lives, people only see what you want them to see, you at the beach with your dog or going out clubbing with your friends; but people are to afraid to post how they are really feeling sometimes and in all this we can really lose our organic self.

If you were to look at my instagram feed you would see a twenty-five year old woman, that loves her dogs and cat, has the most supportive and amazing partner, the most fabulous and beautiful group of friends and family and a love for a quirky quote every now and then. Don't get me wrong, I love my life and I love sharing things on social media just as much as the next person and really enjoy the positive posts, seeing what my friends and family are up to and also keeping connected with people. But what social media sometimes does not portray is the struggle behind the pictures, the fake smile in the photo, or the subliminal message on a quote.

I just hope that this blog helps young women and men to understand mental health and to not be afraid to talk about it. After speaking to some of my girlfriend's and finding they have or do suffer from some kind of mental illness, it has really encouraged me to share my journey and to let people know you most definitely aren't alone. I have most definitely come a long way in the past three years but the early days of my struggle were very difficult and I did not know how to cope or felt comfortable enough to speak about it, as I thought in doing so I would hurt my family who was going through the same pain; or be criticized.

For a great part of my life, almost 10 years I have suffered with anxiety; had tried multiple coping mechanisms but nothing seemed to work until one day I met the most amazing woman, a counsellor; Julie. (which inspired my studies at uni majoring in Social Work) and my partner and I also bought a dog named Reign, when my struggle with flashbacks and anxiety was becoming more frequent and harder to manage, this one small dog honestly helped me more than I can ever explain. I moved away from my family 2 years after mum had her stroke and this was when the flashbacks started, which I will discuss in an additional post.

In this "blog" I hope to inspire young women, or men to face their inner struggles head on, to not be afraid to tell someone you're struggling and to be honest with yourself. In 2013, my mental health would start to make a significant decline, so here is my story.

Mum.

Have you ever met a woman so full of life, that the instant she walks into a room you are filled with absolute content and happiness. A woman who not only inspires people to do better and be kinder but always puts others before herself. A woman; who does not eat meat and has been an active vegan for the best of 20 years, who would wake up before sunrise to train women in her gym and then go to work as a teacher aide with children; as this was her passion and a woman who’s love for her daughters and grandchildren is indescribable. Well this woman is my mum.

December, 2013.

My whole life changed. What I knew about my life would soon be over, the freedom of doing what I wanted, when I wanted and putting myself first would be lost, and my sisters and I would soon have our role as daughter's reversed. My mum went in for a routine operation, a clean out of her right shoulder which would see her only staying in private health for one night, a minor operation. GUT instinct; how many of us have these churning gut moments when something doesn’t feel right? Mum did. The morning of her operation my sister was dropping mum off, as she went to get out of the car she turned to my sister and said she didn’t want to go through with it something just felt off. Calming her worries she then went into the hospital, the operation was a success and we even joked about her instincts that night when she was perfectly normal. I saw my mum straight after work that day, she was sitting up right chatting away discussing my work day and how she was feeling, she felt great and the pain meds were doing their job. I left her when her sister my Aunty arrived to visit, little did I know when I kissed my mum that afternoon our ritual ‘Hendle Two Kisses’ that it would be the last time I would see her as herself.

The next day.

Oddly, I hadn’t received a good morning text from my mum, rang her phone and didn’t get an answer so I rang my sister Jodi who was on her way down to pick mum up. It was 12:30pm I was out for lunch with work friends when I had missed calls from my sister, multiple calls with her urgently telling me to get to the hospital as soon as I could. I raced back to work, spoke to my boss who let me leave and raced to the private hospital. As the elevator doors opened all I could hear were screams from my eldest sister in a nearby room. I ran into the room to find multiple doctors and trainee nurses surrounding my mum. To cut an extremely difficult incident to reflect back on short my mum convulsed for almost 3 hours whilst losing control of her body, the function to understand the simplest of demands and began to become paralyzed on her left hand side. My mum was misdiagnosed which almost resulted in her not being here today.

The day after.

Mum was relocated to the Base Hospital, I sat in the ambulance as she was transferred as a terrified and confused girl who just turned 22 years old. It would only come to light in 2016 when talking with my sisters about the events that happened that night, that I was actually in the ambulance with mum, something my brain had hidden from me which I would soon find out later was due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Once my eldest sisters and I arrived at the hospital the head nurse in the Emergency Room confirmed what we knew all along that my mum had suffered neurological damage. As she was misdiagnosed earlier and re-assured she would wake up perfectly normal. This was now a reality that we may lose our mum, they took her for a scan while she was still under sedatives to stop the fitting, while she was in for scans I asked my sisters to explain to me what a stroke was and what this meant for us. A while later the curtain opened and in walked the doctor on call for the emergency department who started with an apology, as soon as he opened his mouth my sisters started to break down. He told us what had happened to mum and that if and when she did wake that she would have severely impaired speech and ability to walk and function normally ever again. I can still remember this all being a blur to me, I sat there listening but not retaining any information it was like my body had shut down. It was so out of body. All I could do was stare at mum and beg for her to wake up, my sister left the room to call my dad who was on his way down to us, as he had gone home earlier due to the doctors at the initial hospital promising that mum would wake up fine. I sat beside her and ran my fingers through her hair, letting her know I was there.

Journey.

Days later when mum was stabilised they began to wake her, and our worst fears had been realised. She was no longer able to talk, walk or even smile. The woman that was my best friend was now a stranger. For a long time I was in denial, we had a long road ahead but when it is your mum you would go to hell and and back to get her better. This moment; would signify the start of my mental health declining without me even realising.